sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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