guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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