You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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