we're chasing vodka with high fives
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
