was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
