1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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