he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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