So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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