mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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