ya dads aren't the best wingmen
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
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My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
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All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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