This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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