I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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