so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
