1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
