I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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