I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
