U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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