I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
