can we get nightvision for the apartment?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
