Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
