And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
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