So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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