he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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