seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
