Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
