1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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