i wish starbucks made bloody marys
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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