My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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