i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
