Got a toothbrush?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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