please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
