I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Randomize
