he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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