Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
