I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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