He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
