the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
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Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
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I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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