The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
