This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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