I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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