I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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