God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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