help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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