Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
you had me at cake vodka
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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