My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
