well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
