Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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