I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
