My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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