you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
