Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
