Where did you get a picture of my penis
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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