Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
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You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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