sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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