TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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