I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
