tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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