If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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