I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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